Sad...

There are days, like today, when no matter what I do or don't do there is just this intense need to cry. It sits right under the surface just waiting for someone to say the wrong thing...or the right thing, however you look at it. I've been close to tears all day and I don't know what it is that's causing it.

I guess I know what it is. I just like to pretend like it's not a big deal. I'm invincible ya know. I can handle anything that comes my way. Nothing affects me. Nothing!

I'm also a liar.

This is probably going to ramble on and jump around a lot and make no sense to anyone but me. But then, the chaos that goes on in my head lately is usually pretty...um...chaotic. Somedays it barely makes sense to me, let alone anyone other sane individual.

I think when I see a loss, anyone's loss, it just kills me inside. I wonder if that's because I know what it feels like to lose something you love so desperately. I guess that could be it.

I get too attached to people. I feel too strongly. I allow people to get to me too easily. I hurt too easily. I cry too much.

I feel isolated. I feel alone. I feel, even worse than alone, lonely! I hate that feeling. Like, I have so much to say to someone, so much I need to vent, but no one to say it to. I'm out here all by myself. I have friends, but I feel like they all have their own lives, and their own problems, so mine should stay right where they are, in my head. I feel like I shouldn't burden people with my worries.

But I have dreams and hopes too. Things I want to accomplish and I freak out thinking I might never accomplish any of them. The truth is, I'm clueless. I have no idea what to do to get to the next step.

Sometimes I think that I should stay right where I'm at and just deal with it. That it would be easier to deal with what's going on, than to start all over again. I get scared that I'm going to fail, and so I think, "Well, maybe I'm better off where I am. Maybe this is a bad choice. Maybe I'm making the wrong move." How do I know if this is the right thing to do or not? How do I know?

This post is a rambling awful mess. I should never sit down to write when I'm feeling this way.

I need to work on the recital dvd. I have to get those done. Even though I've gotten only one order so far. *sigh* Why do I bother?

Anyway...I guess...it is what it is. And it is a mess.