Brain Dump

Mark and Myrena have been on vacation for the week. It's just been Chelsea and I and the animals. It's been pretty quiet here.

Myrena has been texting me to tell me about her days. She has had a good time with Mark's family so far. They did a lot of stuff with her. Of course no one acknowledged her birthday, but I didn't expect that to happen. They haven't acknowledged my kids in years. No birthday gifts and no Christmas gifts for a while now. The other kids get stuff, but not mine. I'm not sure why that is. I guess it's a case of "out of sigh out of mind." Doesn't matter.

Chelsea's hair is once again different. This time we are in the process of getting all of the black out of it. It's not easy. We've bleached it three times now and I'm done for a while. I wont' do anymore to it because I am afraid of totally killing her hair. So, it's going to rest for a while until I can get all the dead stuff trimmed off. It's cute though. It's still cut in a mohawk but it's blond now. I have a picture of it after the first bleaching in a mohawk. It looks pretty cool! She doesn't wear it that way...not really. She lets it fall on one side and she sort of makes it look spikey out to the side. It's cute on her. She likes it short. It's a change from the intensely long hair that she had.

I miss Aaron! I wish I could bring him home. *sighs*

I don't have much else to update. It's the same old same old here. Clean, do laundry, knit, play on facebook.

I'll try and post some pictures in a bit. I've got some things to get done today.

Oh! I did my first family portrait photoshoot for some friends and the pictures turned out amazing! I'm so excited! I hope that some other people see them and want theirs done too! That would be awesome!

Just sharing...becasue I have nothing else to say.

While we waited for Myrena's party to start Chelsea and I played with the camera.

Myrena's 12th birthday party was a simple one this year. We played at the park and had a cook out. That's what she wanted. All of the friends she invited came and they had a blast.

She got roses from her daddy for her 12th birthday. She was very tickled with the delivery. She also got a pogo stick and a laptop from us.

Awesome picture. We had some fun with the camera today. Chelsea showed her photography "eye" today too.

This is Chelsea's picture. I thought it was awesome!

Sad...

There are days, like today, when no matter what I do or don't do there is just this intense need to cry. It sits right under the surface just waiting for someone to say the wrong thing...or the right thing, however you look at it. I've been close to tears all day and I don't know what it is that's causing it.

I guess I know what it is. I just like to pretend like it's not a big deal. I'm invincible ya know. I can handle anything that comes my way. Nothing affects me. Nothing!

I'm also a liar.

This is probably going to ramble on and jump around a lot and make no sense to anyone but me. But then, the chaos that goes on in my head lately is usually pretty...um...chaotic. Somedays it barely makes sense to me, let alone anyone other sane individual.

I think when I see a loss, anyone's loss, it just kills me inside. I wonder if that's because I know what it feels like to lose something you love so desperately. I guess that could be it.

I get too attached to people. I feel too strongly. I allow people to get to me too easily. I hurt too easily. I cry too much.

I feel isolated. I feel alone. I feel, even worse than alone, lonely! I hate that feeling. Like, I have so much to say to someone, so much I need to vent, but no one to say it to. I'm out here all by myself. I have friends, but I feel like they all have their own lives, and their own problems, so mine should stay right where they are, in my head. I feel like I shouldn't burden people with my worries.

But I have dreams and hopes too. Things I want to accomplish and I freak out thinking I might never accomplish any of them. The truth is, I'm clueless. I have no idea what to do to get to the next step.

Sometimes I think that I should stay right where I'm at and just deal with it. That it would be easier to deal with what's going on, than to start all over again. I get scared that I'm going to fail, and so I think, "Well, maybe I'm better off where I am. Maybe this is a bad choice. Maybe I'm making the wrong move." How do I know if this is the right thing to do or not? How do I know?

This post is a rambling awful mess. I should never sit down to write when I'm feeling this way.

I need to work on the recital dvd. I have to get those done. Even though I've gotten only one order so far. *sigh* Why do I bother?

Anyway...I guess...it is what it is. And it is a mess.

I have nothing to say today.

So...I'm posting pictures instead. These are some of my favorites. I'm not that good...but I manage to capture some good ones sometimes.

Hmmmm...long time since I said anything on here...

..and so much has changed.

Aaron is in Ohio with my mom. He's been there a couple of months now. I sure do miss him. We'll be going to see him soon. He's doing ok but he doesn't come out of his room much. At least that's what my mom says. Aaron says he's been working out and getting buff. ha ha Now THAT I have to see.

Myrena passed on to 7th grade. She did really well on her grades and even scored ADVANCED in both sections of her PSSA test. Way to go Rena! Push us on to AYP. ha ha She wanted a pogo stick for her birthday so we bought one today. She's so funny. She's had a great time with it all day. Even as hot as it was earlier.

Chelsea did well in school too although she didn't do as well this year as she did last year. I think she needs to focus more. It might just need to be that she takes her meds every day instead of only when she thinks she needs them. Ugh! I hate those meds but they do seem to work well for her. She broke the 100 lb mark the last time we took her to the dr. Ha ha...I joked that it was only because she was fully clothed. She weighs a whopping 101 lbs.

The girls had recital this past weekend and they were amazing. I recorded it as usual so that I can make dvds. I hope I get a lot of orders. I need the money to finish paying for dance classes. Ugh!

How about new pictures of all of the kids?

I'm so sick!

I feel like I've been hit by a bus!

Seriously!

Hubby and kids are taking great care of me. However, they all want me locked safely away in my room so they don't get sick.

I snuck out though.

I'm feeling better than yesterday. I was even lightheaded yesterday. But some nyquil last night and some robitussin today and I'm leaning towards feeling human again...barely...but I'm on my way.

I'm going back to bed.

Sniff

Cough

Sniff

*sigh*

Night night

Ripping my heart out...

Oh geez, the teenage years are going to kill me I'm sure of it. It's not that Chelsea is a difficult child. On the contrary, she's a total sweetheart (most of the time), but because of that I guess, she gets walked on a lot. I hate that for her. I feel her pain. It just breaks my heart to see it happen to her.

See, she's been friends with the same group of girls for a long time now, since elementary school. Last year one girl in particular started to ignore her. This really hurt her because it was her best friend. She was hurt but she didn't say anything. Over the summer that girl started to act like everything was great again. She was hanging out with Chels and calling and texting her. Well, school started and suddenly Chelsea isn't cool enough or pretty enough or something enough and she's started her crap all over again. Poor Chels. She doesn't know what to do about this.

Mark and I are really proud of Chelsea in that she doesn't follow the crowd. She does her own thing. We've always told her that cattle follow the herd, not people. She's free to make decisions on her own. She doesn't need her friends' approval to wear a certain shirt or look a certain way. So, she's always a little left of center because in her words, "I'm cool like that." The girl that's sort of snubbing her now doesn't do anything out of the ordinary because she's afraid to stand out from the crowd. I think she'd march right off a cliff if the rest of the group did. Sad really.

So, Chelsea was crying today because she feels like all her friends hate her suddenly. We talked a lot about if they were truly her friends then they'd be her friends no matter what color her hair was or how funky her outfit. We talked about being who she is because she likes who she is. I told her, "You be who you are because you like who you are! Love you and others will love you too!" But that's hard to live by when others are snubbing you. Ya know?

So, anyway, it hurts for my daughter to hurt. I hate it. A lot. And right now I want to march right down to that little divas house and tell her that one day she's going to look around and the people she thinks are her friends are as superficial as she is. And that one day she'll look around and wonder where all her true friends are and realize that she doesn't have any, because she didn't know how to be one.

And that's the end of my rant.